So, I thought I'd do thangs differently this post and talk about the image first, and THEN venture into scrumpty rumpty (also the name of Kirby Puckett's calico cat) ramblings. Therefore, if you're a girl and I know you, you were e-mailed this on Tuesday. Everyone else, now you get some spooney love too.

With that being sed, on the global conquest front, I spent last weekend shaving the Yukon in preparation for Project: Donkey Girdle when one of my nightgowns went off without warning. After the vapor and bacon bits cleared, I spit out my own haircut to realize that, without even trying this time, I had been witness to the mass extermination of two species of Appalachian flamingo and the Laplander people. It's no big jig tho--after all, they're poor, smelly, they haven't contributed anything to this world of ours (except triangular-grid waffles) and most nobody has ever heard of them, therefore most nobody will miss them. I'm talking about the Laplanders there. I'm only clarifying because you got this look in your eye that--you know what, forget it. But if you're of Laplander heritage and you haven't been home in a while, now's a good time to tell you your mom's dead and my nightgown killed her. Oh man. Did I just deja vu John F. Kennedy? You can never go home again, but I guess you can roast your marshmallows there. The Appalachian flamingo, on the other hand, now that's a loss. Truly a noble, majestic creature. A shame. Just, it's just a shame. Aw, don't tell me I'm gonna cry now. Uhp. Nope--it's just the juice running down from my new jerry curl. Now I look like an Irishy Billie Dee Williams (that "D" stands for Dublin!).

INSPIRATION-DOWN!:

The Aristocrats on DVD: Altho nothing's changed in my adoration for Sarah Silverman or South Park, this movie has provided me a newfound respect for Bob Saget. Forget comparing his performance to Full House--the question to ask is why wasn't he this funny on America's Funniest Home Videos? Oh that's right, the complete LACK of submissions containing tampons and fecal rape! Moving on, loaded with swell special features like other favorite jokes and contest winners, this DVD is the funniest, most desensitizing experience I've had since I found half a mole cub in that box of Golden Crisps!

Wallace & Gromit: Curse Of The Wererabbit on DVD: FINALLY! I'm watching it over and over and STILL can't figure how they get so much out of Gromit with just two glass eyes but damn if it isn't amazing. Heath Ledger can pull up his high-heeled boots and ride back into the pink sunset for all I care, Gromit's my pick for Best Actor of the year! Plus a commentary that reveals Nick Park and Steve Box to be utterly giggly over their process and featurettes on how to build a plasticine bunny, how W&G literally saved the Wendsleydale industry, and is it just me or does Jeffrey Katzenberg look more and more like a mummy in Gap clothing? Oops, I just submitted a portfolio to Dreamworks, maybe I shouldn't have sed that. And maybe I can patch things up by sending him 35 lbs. of Vitamin C....

Scrubs: I am a total DARSHBAG!!!!! This show, this brilliant and marvelous show, seemingly written just for me, has been on for HOW many years and I only discover it NOW?! This is the silliest, guffaw-getting show on television and I am in love! I used to describe Stella as what creation would be like if I were God--well, the same rings true here. If I thought a hospital like this actually existed, I would promptly become a hypochondriac and max out my PPO plan quicker than Aquaman on laundry day! And it only figures that I get into it just as it's temporarily pulled for the Olympics. Pff, thanks A LOT, stupid world unity. The only global cohesiveness I want to see is under my Dracula stare. But until then, I'd settle for the whole world sitting on the couch together every Tuesday night for Scrubs. I've also seen recently that the production's looking for interns and, if I were still a student, I would totally go for it if only to meet Sarah Chalke, who I think I might be in love with, but that's another post unto itself. Anydookie, seasons 1 & 2 are on DVD and, with my 25th birthday next month, I know two gifts I'LL be asking for, and they don't rhyme with rollerblades Uncle Ebray!

So, until next time, do I smell a midget burning? Oh no! MY HOTPLATE!!! Gotta go!

"When is 'not yet' going to end?" --Wolfgang Reitherman