Well dear readers, due to my overpowering Orange County ennui and just general adoration of the man, I am officially declaring August 15th Mike Williams Day! Therefore, every August 15th from now forward, stay home from work to look at ghetto porn, drink spicy apple cider, and go fez shopping (for you and your dog!) to celebrate. For those of you unfamiliar with this titan among toenails, introduce yourself by perusing these file photos of the REAL American hero not to mention reading his life story below. I think you'll agree--he is ADORABLE! Happy Mike Williams Day everybody!
"Starving nations never seem to be quite so starving that they cannot afford to have more expensive armaments than anybody else." --T.H. White
Mike Williams, originally Mikael van Derwilly, was born in dadaist Holland, but is not into porn. Growing up a content and even faddish young lad, Williams spent his childhood afternoons strolling the dikes and tulip fields of his hometown slurping “fichu van derlollies,” delicious ringworm-flavored lollipops made of pure Dutch hash. His parents, Darryll and Terracotta van Derwilly, ran a chain of gorilla-operated windmills. His father Darryll, a key figure in the Holland Mafia, abandoned organized crime when he realized smuggling clogs really wasn’t illegal at all. Darryll’s decision proved fatal, however, when the entire van Derwilly family was simultaneously incinerated and extinguished by a Mafia “dike-bomb.” Mikael, the only one to survive the blast of tulip stems and ape spleen, was punished by the Mafia for his will to live and was promptly sent to Colorado as an indentured servant in the Rocky Mountain kidney mines.
Hardened by his hard luck and leathery labor, Williams released his aggression towards Allah by enlisting in a boxing miner league (pun sadly intended. And windproof!) Quickly ascending the ranks of the league, Williams soon obtained the nickname “Bag of Knuckles,” as he skinned the topside portion of his opponents’ hands for trophies. And he had a bag. And he kept the knuckle pelts in the bag. Hence the name “Bag of Knuckles.” You’re a little slow, aren’t you? No matter. As his boxing career germinated and his nickname progressed to “Ugly Miguel” and later “Glacial Josh,” Williams punched his ticket out of the kidney mines by achieving national notoriety and even went on to fight 137-time world-champion Doju-manwhore Will Buckley. Williams ruefully retired, however, after beating a severe learning disability into the fiery Irishman and was therefore banned from the sport.
Still in the public eye but now without a job, Williams maintained his fame by creating Chipple, a fondue-like chitlin consisting of collared persimmons, breaded pork, and back issues of People magazine. But when health inspections proved that Chipple was 97% pure Dutch Hash, Williams found himself now barred from the cooking industry as well.
Forbidden from both the ring and the kitchen, Williams unsuccessfully dabbled in numerous odd jobs including head rubbing, homogenizing cognac, fez blocking, prostituting elk, carpentry, bookkeeping, bicycle messaging, and balladeering.
Starving, Williams became so weak he lost the ability to speak. A creditable illiterate, he could only communicate with the world by doodling numerous drawings and flipping the pages to create a pictorial message. When one day “flipping” for crumb fare, Williams was discovered by Dr. Dana Lamb esq., a veterinary gynecologist turned art professor, who in turn gave Williams a full-ride scholarship to the university of Cal State Fullerton. It was here that Williams photosynthesized his begging into craft and became the first colored person to graduate from the university, but again, is not into porn.
Success and notoriety belonged to Williams once again as he regained his voice and led a successful career in animation, working on such television shows as Futurama and Betty La Fea and movies such as the Golden-Globe nominated Bigelow the Clown, Bigelow Returns, Bigelow Strikes Back, Bigelow & Robin, Bigelow p: The Return of Durante, Bigelow Goes to Jail, Bigelow Saves Lent, Bigelow Does Dallas, Bigelow Dies, Bigelow in Purgatory, and The Last One: The Musical.
Leaving the industry due to a stressful ingrown testicle but still thirsting for prestige, Williams mastered the art of Jedi mind control and even obtained a cane to prove the point. Now a wisened master, Williams returned to his alma mater to “take out the trash” and teach the ancient art of penile origami.
Today, Williams is a shaman monk residing in the ancient temples of the sacred hills of San Bernardino. He occasionally leaves the temple to play jai alai for charity events or to address the State Assembly in opposition to porn, because he is not into it. He has peace of mind, a thermos, and a “thing” that is big for a guy his age. One time Mike saw a blimp.